Saturday 6th June 2020 (D Day 1944. D stands for Day in case you didn't know).
Decided to delete a few pointless blogs, sorry about that but don't worry you didn't miss anything. This blogger is scraping the barrel for something to blog about without mentioning coronavirus, climate change, greenhouse gases, old girlfriends, old motors, fast failing faculties, fast failing laptops, Seyit and Sura? and last but not least The Oxshott Village Sign.
So, if you have any ideas, questions or comments? You can contact me above.
This morning I surprised myself by changing an old fashioned tap washer in a coroded bathroom tap by employing YouTube, mole grips, a toilet roll middle and a pole from a large sun umbrella and yesterday I found a friendly locksmith from Epsom to come and sort out a neighbours back door so thanks to John from About Turn Locks - highly recommended.
Monday 8th June 2020
Let's face it, all of us are guilty of exploiting each other and the planet. We are born with a desire to survive which means we have to eat something or somebody.
We need to open our mouths the widest, scream the loudest or push somebody out of the nest.
And then when we have learnt to survive, we are programmed to exploit further.
We may not think we are exploiting but the mere fact that the human species needs clothes, shoes, a roof and stuff means dwindling resources. Especially if we are procreating at an R of more than 1.0.
The current rate of increase in population is 1.05 and decreasing.
The highest rate of population increase was in 1967 when the R was more than 2.0 so sorry about that (but personally incredibly proud, privileged, lucky, fortunate and forever grateful to be given the chance to be able to contribute, see below).
The rate of population increase is predicted to decline so good news for the human species and good news for the planet.
If you need incredible real-time proof click on https://www.worldometers.info/world-population/
Love from Bob x
Is that perfectly clear?
BLANK SPACE IN CASE
Wednesday 12th June 1974
Friday 12th June 2020
Friday 12th June 2020
Happy Birthday to Dan.
Dan gardening at The Brambles (No 36) Little Heath Lane where his Great, Great Grandparents lived, his Great Grandparents lived, his Grandfather was born and his Father used to drink his Grandmothers homemade dandelion wine at Christmas!
Saturday 13th June 2020
Yesterday I spent all morning on my knees fitting a new basin in a cloakroom and this morning I added a new dreamy drawing to my Art Gallery. I'm also getting cheesed off with the b***** parakeets pinching all the birdseed.
Monday 15th June 2020
Another light bulb moment yesterday. The jackdaw's nest in the chimney fell into the gutter which meant either a dodgy climb up the ladder or design an innovative long reach gutter cleaning device. Guess which worked best? So, if you would like a ladderless gutter clean let me know. Also a slight modification to Mo Lisa.
Saturday 20th June 2020
This blog has reached its aim of becoming so boring readership has dwindled to zero. So now my favourite reader will never know I've deleted a few of my artworks on Page 1 of my Art Gallery. The reason being that they were b****** awful so apologies to my favourite reader if she ever happens to visit the most boring blog in the world (TMBBITW) ever again.
Just to liven things up I only collected half a dozen frantic thigh pumping cyclists on the bonnet this morning on our way to Ranmore Common for a stroll along the ridge which was awe inspiring. We bumped into a half dozen Belted Galloways which weren't too keen on social distancing, they were chewing the gorse bushes which must have been b***** painful but would have made a great painting.
Not so b***** funny is the result of my eye test yesterday which means that I've got to have a few more eye injections starting Monday so let me know if you deetekt en knee spel ling mys takes.
I've always wanted to fly a six foot wing span radio controlled glider from the ridge at Ranmore so I reckon a visit to Mick Charles Models at Stoneleigh might well be on the cards if they are open. What do you think (TMBGITW)?
Thursday 25th June 2020
Continuing on with the most boring blog in the world (TMBBITW) I'd like to correct an error in the entry for last Saturday, the Belted Galloways weren't chewing the gorse bushes they were chewing the hawthorn bushes which must be even more b***** painful.
My 10th eye injection went without a hitch so if you feel like sticking needles in your eyes I would recommend The Royal Surrey at Guildford. Don't forget your sun glasses, you won't be able to see a b***** thing when you come out.
It would appear that Mick Charles Models at Stoneleigh closed a while ago so that's a shame as I was thinking of buying another Spitfire. Although to be realistic my modelling days are pretty much over as 20/20 vision and a steady hand are now a distant memory.
Even reading a book called 'Around the World in 80 Trains' by Monisha Rajesh is a bit of a challenge as the only interesting bit is that Monisha's boyfriend comes from Cobham. Sorry Monisha but I would rate it as TMBBITW. So perhaps the writers of TMBBITW and TMBBITW should get together?
I'd like to congratulate TMBGITW for yet another couple of moving artworks of a Spitfire Pilot and a Bottle, Book and Candle.
I'd love to know the story of the Spitfire Pilot if possible.
Stay cool, it's going to be 33 degrees C in Oxshott Woods today.
Later the same day. Following yet another punishing hike up and down and around Polesden Lacey - Phew!
Friday 26th June 2020
Around five years ago when I started this blog I put this on the front page -
It tries not to be introspective, embarrass anyone or use bad language but occasionally fails on all counts, sorry.
I've repeated it a number of times since but I will say it again -
It tries not to be introspective, embarrass anyone or use bad language but occasionally fails on all counts, sorry.
Just recently I've been pushing my luck so please make allowances for a crusty old f... sorry, codger who should know better.
Monday 29th June 2020
Just in case anybody happens to be reading this you will find yet another artwork added to Page 2 of my Gallery. It's in memory of a 'War Hero'.
And if you have an interest in Spitfires I would recommend listening to 'Spitfire: The Peoples Plane' on BBC Sounds. An amazing account of the development of the Spitfire in nine 20 minute talks and interviews expertly put together and narated by Tuppence Middleton. You can click HERE if you trust me! Thinks, I wonder if Tuppence knows Penny or Bob Tanner! One of the episodes features Beatrice Shilling who invented a very important part for the Spitfire which could be construed as rude!
Tuesday 30th June 2020
Not feeling too good today, must be something I ate or maybe I'm a bit worried about who is going to pay for my (and your) pension if nobody is going to work and paying taxes. Think about it and let me know what you think. There seems to be lots of thinkers out there at the moment.
Wednesday 1st July 2020
My backs gone again but I still managed to walk round the cemetary and say 'Hi' to all my old mates. And add yet another picture to my Art Gallery, sorry Tim. Not only that I counted 35 sparrows, 7 starlings, 2 jackdaws and a parrot fighting over my fat balls.
Friday 3rd July 2020
The only problem with feeding the sparrows so well is that they breed like rabbits, fly around like clouds of locusts, attract the local sparrow hawk who comes in low like a Spitfire with his (or her) ground hugging radar at 100 mph and plucks one out the sky leaving only a pile of fluffy down feathers fluttering in the breeze. Poor little *******.
Monday 6th July 2020
This might seem funny at first but in fact it was very sad. Walking across a field full of sheep near Rye in East Sussex, as you do, we came across a sheep lying motionless. Fortunately David the farmer was not far away so he came along to see what could be done. Following a healing session and a few roly poly's Shorn the Sheep was able to blink and look sorry for herself. Let's hope she makes a full recovery.
And if you happen to be in that area and you are looking for somewhere to take your easel and paint brushes don't miss Great Dixter, the house and garden are a wild dream.
And if you like old fashioned sweeties served from glass jars you will be amazed at Britcher and Rivers sweety shop in Rye High Street. To maintain social distancing you will be served with a two metre fishing net so no need to go into the shop. You name it, he's got it.
His Social Distancing message in the window reads PLEASE MAINTAIN TWO METRE DISTANCE FROM OTHER CUSTOMERS AND WHEN YOU GET TO THE FRONT OF THE QUEUE GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY. Now that's enterprising don't you think?
Wednesday 15th July 2020
Just to say that the writer of the most boring blog in the world (TMBBITW) is now half way through the most boring book in the world (TMBBITW). It's one of those books that you can put down (as opposed to one of those books that you can't put down) so the writer of TMBBITW will be writing a review of TMBBITW when he's finished it, if he doesn't die first.
He will also be revealing details of his latest invention (of which there are many hiding in these pages) if his 15 year old laptop doesn't die first. Google Chrome not responding.
Now this revolutionary invention might not change the world but might just earn a crust for those who are enterprising enough to see the potential, and at the same time reward the inventor with the usual.
Firstly you will need a short length of strong, springy fence wire, usually green plastic coated. Then bend it into a shape as shown.
You then fit it firmly into the end of a piece of 2" x 1" x 2m long as shown. That will be sufficient to clean your gutters on the ground floor.
Then screw 2 further lengths of the same together so you can now easily clean your gutters on the first floor without climbing a ladder.
Not only that you can clean everybody else's gutters and earn yourself a fortune. I'd do it myself but I'm knackered.
PS You will need to flick off leaves and debris as and when necessary so be ready with your bucket! And don't forget to start at the down pipe or you'll clog up the down pipe. Not clog down the up pipe. Got it?
Friday 17th July 2020
Did you know that while you are reading this you are travelling at 1.3 million mph through space, 515,000 mph around the galaxy, 67,000 mph around the sun and 434 mph around the spinning earth (if you are in Oxshott) but slightly less than that if you are in Putney?
And if you drive through West Byfleet High Street at 5mph (relative to the ground) you will spot an opticians called COLLISION OPTICIANS. 'What a great name for an opticians I said to my passenger'. My passenger said a rude word and pointed out that it was COLLISON OPTICIANS and not COLLISION OPTICIANS and suggested I paid a visit to COLLISON OPTICIANS without delay. It happens!
Sunday 19th July 2020
Very sad to read of the demise of the Boeing 747 in recent weeks. For many years it was the dream, the aspiration of many to design, build or fly in a Jumbo Jet. As you may have picked up already, I myself spent a year or so on the drawing board in Seattle way back in the late sixties working on the wing leading edge. Probably, in many ways the highlight of my career.
Does that mean that all dreams are destined for the knacker's yard? Let's hope not otherwise what's the point of dreaming? Say what you like about air travel but it does bring about togetherness and togetherness is needed now more than ever don't you think? So, let's dream about solar, wind, tidal, gravity or muscle powered Jumbo Jets?
And in the mean time another glance at Bob's Art Gallery Page 2 might be of interest.
Friday 24th July 2020
Last Tuesday Sam, Dr Barr dug another lump out of my back. He administered local anaesthetic and said 'If you feel anything say ouch' I said 'ouch' he then said 'whoops' I but I didn't say anything. He then said 'this is my first day back since lockdown' I said nothing. I couldn't.
Wednesday 29th July 2020
If you have a favourite picture that you would like to see magically transformed into a charcoal drawing and hanging on your wall then Old Bob might be persuaded to give you a quote! His latest creation 'Social Distancing' has just beeen hung in his Gallery. One Review. He's no good with the paint brush or colours. Charcoal?
Thursday 30th July 2020
Bob's Camping Tip No.158 (seems like a good number).
If you are worried about tripping over or stubbing your toe on your half buried tent pegs, worry no longer. Simply borrow, pinch or buy (free at Cobham Garden Club) a few plastic plant pots. Feed your guy ropes through one of the drain holes and bingo, no more worries mate.
You can buy glow in the dark jobs but they will cost you an arm and a leg. Sorry about the lighting you'll have to zoom in.
Saturday 1st August 2020
Bob's Camping Tip No.159
The most difficult thing you will have to deal with in this life is to find a leak in your air bed. If you Google it you will find a million crazy ideas but if you simply inflate it just a touch, maybe a quarter full and then the next time you have a bath take it in with you and wrestle with it until you see some bubbles. What was that? I didn't say anything!
Saturday 1st August 2020
Bob's Camping Tip No.160
If you are required to self-isolate or simply want to get away from it all and experience nature at close quarters then Bob's One Man or One Woman tent is available at an amazingly cheap price. It's 2 metres long, one metre wide (max), 700mm high (max) and comes with two leaky airbeds and free tent peg protectors.
Tuesday 4th August 2020
This is particularly sad don't you think?
I think that whoever it was who designed the poster should be made to self isolate, for the forseeable future.
Sunday 9th August 2020
Just to say that it was 37 degrees C in my back garden yesterday, the car's packed up - again, my BMI is in the green zone, my right eye is in the blur zone, my left eye is in the OK zone and Don has produced another piece of Greengrocer Art which you can view in my Art Gallery.
Wednesday 12th August 2020
Sadly, I have to write that Don passed away, peacefully, this morning. I met Don when he and his family came to Oxshott in 1956. He went on to bring fruit, veg and fun to everyone in Oxshott, Bookham and beyond.
Our thoughts are with his family.
Monday 17th August 2020
Some years ago I asked Don what was his favourite potatoe for growing, flavour, cooking and storing. For all sorts of reasons he replied without hesitation, Cara. The only thing about Cara on the downside is that they are a particularly late variety so you have to wait until August 17th around lunchtime to start harvesting.
So, that year I planted a few, the next year I planted a few more and this year I planted 64 and started digging my potatoes today. For those of you who haven't experienced the satisfaction of unearthing your own potatoes then you don't know what you've been missing. The yield is particularly good so far, I'll keep you posted. Thanks Don.
The black potatoes floating around in front of the screen on my laptop are only there as a result of another eye injection today. Just thought I'd mention it Sam.
Wednesday 19th August 2020
Bob's Camping Tip No. 161. Ignore Bob's Camping Tip No. 159.
When you've given up wrestling with your half blown up air bed in the bath, in the swimming pool, around the back room, in the garden and up and down the street trying to find a pin prick air leak, ditch your air beds give up dreaming about camping, invest in a memory foam mattress and dream about sunsets, sangria and serenity Sam.
Don on the coast road to Palma around 1964.
Check it out now.
A sketch I did for his 80th birthday
- sorry Don.
Friday 21st August 2020
Today Nannie and Grandad took me for a ride on a bus, it was really exciting, I've never been on a bus before. Nannie and Grandad said that they couldn't remember when they last went on a bus, it was probably in the war.
The bus driver seemed really pleased that he had some passengers as he said that he usually drives around with an empty bus. We went all the way from Cobham to Claremont Garden and I pressed a button to tell the driver to stop and a light came up saying 'Stopping'.
When we were going in to the garden a lady said to Grandad 'have you booked?', Grandad said 'no' and the lady said 'well you can't come in unless you've booked' so Grandad said 'we've come by bus and we're very old and I'm only 6' so the lady said 'Oh, alright then but remember to book next time' - something to do with Covid.
We climbed a hill, jumped on a bear, saw some ducklings, climbed a tree and played hide and seek in the bushes but a man was trimming the bushes with a noisy and smelly hedge trimmer which made me cough. Grandad said 'if the National Trust use smelly petrol engines to do the gardening what hope is there for the rest of us, he said 'the man should be using something called sharp shears' which don't make a noise or pump out smelly fumes - something to do with global warming.
Grandad bought me an ice lolly and he had a coffee but we had to be very careful in the shop and not get near anybody or touch anything - something to do with something called Covid.
We waited for a long time at the bus stop but when the bus came the driver was very happy behind his plastic screen because he had lots of passengers but you couldn't tell whether the passengers were happy or sad because they were all wearing masks because of something called Covid.
Lots of love
Friday 28th August 2020
Just to confirm to my favourite reader from number 8 Cockshot Hill that I'm still alive and doing the odd press down every morning, it used to be press ups but I find press downs easier. Still unearthing Cara potatoes and collecting Bramleys twice a day so if you would like to make a blackberry and apple pie you know where to come. Blackberries are available from Cobham Cemetery as are plots for your remains but they're a touch more expensive. Sorry, I didn't mean your remains I meant my remains as it seems that remains are inevitable at some point. In the meantime, I'm struggling to find, like you, the inspiration to create so I decided to restore a chair, mend the roof and watch Downton Abbey - all of it, the full series which to some is excruciatingly boring but to us old codgers very moving, resonant and sexy?
I suppose you could say writing a ridiculous blog is creating?
Sunday 30th August 2020
Dear Lady Mary,,
I'm very tempted to buy another of your dreamlike paintings, probably 'Reflections in Honfleur'.
However, expecting a discount or offering a premium for old times sake would be a bit of a dilemma for all concerned.
Either way the collection or delivery question would arise which might mean a cosy chat in a coffee shop or maybe a weekend at Butlins Brighton.
However, I've decided that probably the best thing to do is nothing, unless you have other ideas.
I can guarantee that nobody reads my blog, letters or emails.
In fact, I'm very used to being ignored by family, friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, neighbours, dogs, cats and parakeets.
Cordially and respectfully yours,
Wednesday 2nd September 2020
Dear Cousin Matthew,
I very much appreciate your interest in my paintings, it's a shame you didn't show the same interest 56 years ago. However having said that what I suggest is a straight swop, my 'Reflections in Honfluer' for your 'Saviour of Freedom' which, as you know, has a particular resonance for me.
Provided it is framed.
Yours in anticipation,
Thursday 3rd September 2020
Finally, yesterday I managed to extract a parking slot out of JustPark.com for West Wittering beach. Big deal! Not only that I drove a Dacia Duster all the way there and all the way back without upsetting anybody. Watching the rivulets of water at high tide creeping relentlessly ever higher on East Head was the best bit. Amazing when you think that it is the Moon doing all the work shifting gallons of water up and down, in and out twice a day. Wouldn't you think that by now some clever **** would have harnessed the power? Probably too busy dealing with Coronavirus and Brexit.
By the way Cousin Matthew sends his apologies to Lady Mary. He will endeavour not to mention 1964 again.
Saturday 5th September 2020
Yesterday we attended Don's funeral in Wokingham Crematorium. It was sad, moving and emotional but at the same time highly uplifting despite the frustrating coronavirus restrictions. Saying goodbye to an old mate you have known for 64 years is not easy but his legacy of family, friends and endless jokes is forever with us. Thanks Don.
In the early 60's I was never comfortable introducing a lovely lady I'd met on the dance floor to Don, usually the Orchid Ballroom at Purley. I would, more often than not, end up driving them back to her place looking in the rear-view mirror thinking that should have been me! But on reflection - thanks Don.
Sunday 20th September 2020
Let's face it, weddings, funerals and functions at the moment are a touch chaotic to say the least. Come to think of it our wedding back in 1966 was equally chaotic but for different reasons and fortunately without the Covid.
Yesterday Covid put paid to the grand plans of our eldest granddaughter's wedding which should have been attended by hundreds out in the country but instead it was held in the Grand Council Chamber in Lambeth Town Hall witnessed by 30 people in masks.
We'd like to wish Hannah and Mike the very best and may they be blessed with health, wealth, happiness and many lovely children and grandchildren, as we have been.
Thursday 24th September 2020
And if you can stand any more bleating, sorry, blogging PAGE 25 is now available.